Katy Perry wants to marry this guy?!

Source: 1 part B Thomp 1 part Internets

Massovergeneralization

I'm all for educating the general public on various health issues, but this is a bit absurd. The billboard pictured here reads in big bold letters "It Could be MS"... simple enough. Off to the right though, it reads "Pain could be a symptom", come on, pain? Just pain? Like a tight hamstring, a head ache, a paper cut, a soar ankle, a stiff neck? I think I have experienced all of these in the past week or so, should I schedule an MS check? Nay.

Hopefully this billboard was charitably donated to the MS cause, because if anyone paid for this, that person deserves some pain... not MS pain, but maybe a punch in the junk pain.

When one hat just wont do the trick...

You might try something like this...

Who would steal 30 sack lunches?

Trick question.

These guys did...



...but this guy would.



This guy had stuff to say, and a lot of it. After listening to him talk to the bus driver for about 30 minutes straight, I started writing down the things he was saying, and came up with this list.

- He is diabetic
- He gets an A1C check up every 3 months
- His Doctor is "happy with him"
- Goes to Walmart every Sunday with a group of friends
- Takes 2o green pills, at night, sometime between 10pm and midnight
- He is married
- His blood sugar runs around 82-84
- If he worked for Pierce Transit, if, he would arrive to work 1 hour early, every day
- Feels that learning how to properly close the handicap door on the bus is "something that should have been taught in basic training and safety"
- Supports people getting kicked off the bus if they touch the driver
- Reloads his ORCA card at Saar's Market "johnny on the spot"
- Has a preference on the type of bus he rides
- Was on his way to court

This list could literally go on, and on, but it's not very funny, so it won't. What is funny though, is one more picture of this guy, followed by a link to a picture of the late, great Christopher Farley, who's bus character on Billy Madison looked shockingly similar to this blogs subject.

Signs, signs, everywhere there's signs

I thought Alaska Airlines had the ridiculous sign market locked down, but apparently a parking garage in Seattle is giving them a run for their money.

I've been in my share of parking garages, and I've never seen anything too dicey going on, apparently shit goes down. Apparently a high level of malarkey and shenanigans led CPS Parking in Seattle to post a sign in an effort to clarify what normal citizens should be on the look out for.

While the top of my priority list for a parking garage would just to make sure my car doesn't get broken in to, CPS has a few other things on their mind. I'm not even sure what to write here, their sign actually says to report things that are "unsettling" or "out of place"... Hopefully no one reports me for changing outside my car before indoor soccer.

Although I mustered a few rambling paragraphs, I really feel at a loss for words to describe this sign.

Fair warning to littering Trolls

Because the economy has never been able to support a live human to communicate common sense, people have learned to use signs. The thing about a sign, is that it needs to be clear, concise, and universal. When someone sees said sign, there should not be any question in their head as to what they should or shouldn't do, it should be clear... crystal clear.

Not quite the case with this bathroom sign I found on an Alaska Airlines flight. I was using the little stinky metal toilet, and as I looked for the flush lever, I saw a sign which at first glance seemed normal, but upon further review raised an eyebrow.

Seems obvious that you can't throw solid objects down the toilet. Seems even more obvious that if indeed you do need to throw solid objects down the toilet, you can't do it on an airplane. But sure enough, human error has unfortunately lead to a sign being needed.

While a plain English sign reading "please do not place anything other than toilet paper in the toilet" would probably suffice, a picture sign is necessary to cover all race, creed, language, and religion, right? Loaded question.

So what did the billion dollar company Alaska Airlines decide for a sign... drum roll please...

How bout a genetic mutant hand, half midget, half troll claw, dropping a full size bottle of shampoo, a comb, a large cup, and a few nondescript pieces of tissue into the toilet. Genius.

FOR ALL THE PEOPLE WHO RUSHED TO THE "LAVATORY" TO DISPOSE OF THAT PESKY SHAMPOO BOTTLE YOU SNUCK PAST SECURITY, OR THE COMB THAT FOR SOME REASON HAS RAN ITS COURSE... WAIT! TROLL HAND SAYS NO! DON'T DO IT! DON'T FLUSH IT! But feel free to put it in the garbage slot 12 inches to your right... Serious everybody? Ughh..

Knuckle Draggin Jay Walker

Nothing beats standing on a street corner minding your own business only to be pleasantly surprised by an amazing human. I was being a good citizen, waiting for the cross walk to turn, when I felt a bustled breeze pass by my mid section. As I looked up, I noticed an small, elderly women, with a clear disregard for the law, whipping past me, with, Manute Bol's arms attached.

I quietly slid my phone out, turned it to vibrate mode, and while pretending to text, snapped a pic. Not 1 second after I successfully snapped this prized human, do I hear "man, if only she was 6 foot 5." I turn to my right to see a guy in a Sounders hat smiling. He knew I took the pic, and he appreciated the rare moment in nature I capitalized on. Not needing to say much, I just muttered "yah" with a smile... which was warmly reciprocated by "she would be the greatest basketball player to ever live."

We both laughed, the light hit green, and we moved on.

Man her arms were long... like down to the knee long.

A little funny...

Robert Deniro, Tom Cruise, Morgan Freeman, Tony Cox. All synonymous in my opinion. While everyone is familiar with the work of the first three, let me lend some insight on the latter.

Anthony Joe Cox was born March 31, 1958. He has been acting, directing, and producing since 1980, has appeared in over 60 films, is married to his lovely wife Otelia, has 1 child, is a strict vegetarian, loves horses, owns a ranch in Arizona, and stands 3 foot 6 inches tall...



While Tony's rap sheet speaks for itself, he's certainly had his share of ups and downs. Below is a list of character names from Tony's illustrious acting career.

8 Ball
Biggman
Big Willie Johnson
Mr. Boo-T
Smitty
Sweet and Low
Shorty
Midgetman
Pez
Big Al
Dink
Kong
Pee Wee Marquette
Hooter
Bubba
and Widdle

Since not all of Tony's parts have had a name, I wanted to include the title Tony's characters were given on imdb.com

Little Doctor
Dwarf Convenience Store Clerk
African-American Leprechaun
Dwarf Guard
Vohnkar Warrior (gotta be savvy to "get" that one)
Ewok
Lawn Jockey #1
Midget
Circus Dwarf
and finally Midget Nut

Tony Cox reminds us all... it's a long way to the top, if you wanna rock n roll.

Change you can count on

A switch in mobile handsets coupled with an ever growing callus to the oddities of the world, has got me to start thinking about a way to keep writing stuff to entertain myself, without the burden of hunting mullets, wedgies, social mutants and other boss individuals.

So here we go...

Hungry fella?

I'm minding my own business on a bus ride into work, and for some strange reason, the world decides to start my day by showing me a murder of crows eating puke.



Seems simple enough right? This situation sucks. Well hold on a quick minute, I've got several issues here.

First... in all of Seattle these crows are trying to tell me that there is nothing better than human puke to eat for breakfast? Second... I know it's hard to tell, but this pile o' puke is on a half a side walk, where 4th intersects with 2nd. That's right, 2 parralel streets somehow intersect at the end of a narrow little sidewalk that leads to nothing other than a crowded intersection. Yet some human's body decided that this, of all places, was the best place to lay down a eventual crow breakfast buffet.

My final problem is that my picture was snapped somehow in the half second where the other 2 crows are not visible, and the 1 visible crow is in between beak fulls of puke. My apologies... but the cell phone camera has only come so far.

Go big or go home

Why both trying to act cool? Why bother going through life hoping that others will just notice what a rad human you are?

Words and interactions not loud enough for you??? How bout a permanent mural on your car?!

If conventional means of letting people know you are the mf'n man have not been working for you, I've got just the solution. Scream it. Scream it from the bitching hood of your Subaru XT Coupe!

That's right... the person that owns this car is The Man. Not the mans assistant, or the man in training, this dude runs the show... big time.

Read it and weep, suckers.



And just in case you thought the white tiger mural on the hood was some sort of accident, or temporary lapse in judgment... let's make this official.

Bathroom backfire

With a garbage can not only readily available, but also positioned directly underneath the paper towel dispenser and right next to the sink, it seems overkill to have to put this sign up, but, I can live with it. Better safe than sorry right?

Oh wait, they spelled paper wrong.
Judgment time...
Verdict; guilty.
Punishment; decided.
Paper towels; in toilet.

Matt 1 - World 0



PS - don't worry, I'm not on a bathroom kick, this is strictly a coincidence.

Domo arigayto

I've never traveled to Thailand, but, I don't imagine the average Thai male looks like a tranny with inviting eyes and a slim mustache. The penciled on eyebrows were bothersome, the sexual eyes confusing, the garment loosely gathered around the neck made me pause, and the male lipstick confirmed the camera phone was coming out... no pun intended.

The only thing creepier than seeing this guy on the way in to use my penis, was thinking about the sound he's making in the picture. Probably somewhat of a crescendoing moan, starting with awkward and climaxing at offensive.

Sayonara!

If it aint broke, don't fix it

The Good
- Santa is a Seahawks fan
- Santa wears sweat pants older than Greg Nichols
- Santa's favorite number is 69

The Bad
- Hundreds of little kids sit on #69's lap every Christmas
- This guy may or may not be a serial killer
- Sweat pants could be concealing an ankle bracelet

Somebody didn't get the memo

You think labor day coming and going is going to keep this guy from wearing his favorite suit? Forget about it! White is the color, pimpin's the game.

That's probably his Suburban in the no parking zone too. This guy lives and dies by Outback Steakhouse's motto: no rules, just right.

PS - 2009 ain't over, but I'll go ahead and call it now, this will be my gayest post of the year.

For those about to rock

Unfortunately, I took this pic while this guy was at a 4, but trust, his volume knob went up to 11. This blacked out human is all too familiar at concerts unfortunately. Shouting lyrics over the band, doing the slow, off rhythm head bang, playing the cerebral palsy air guitar. You know the one where the fingers are all turned in on the left hand, trying to master that perfect air note, and the right hand, which is always secondary, is in some crooked point, with the fingers gathered, ready to pick that air axe to shreds.

This guy had all the bullet points for "that guy" at a concert, the previously mentioned, as well as, the mid head bang temporary pass out, the random head tilted woooooooo, the confused look in between songs as he forgot where he was... he even tried to crush a beer can during a song with his foot that shot up a row or two. The cherry on top... it was a Taking Back Sunday acoustic set... oooh... eeeeh... Don't worry about what I was doing there.

And just to clarify, we're talking about guy in the black and purple DC beanie, with the sweet chin strap facial hair.

Cruisin down the street in my six fo

All I wanted when I was 14 was a Chevy Impala with hydraulics. All I wanted at 27, to snap a picture of this ridiculousness.

Gangster Gangster, Read All About It: Apparently people do still have cars with hydraulics.



PS - give me credit for this shot, it was taken through my windshield, across 2 lanes of traffic, at 60 mph. Holler at a player when you see him in the streets.

Who wants to be... a giant vagina?!

I actually flipped this billboard off as I cruised by. Then after a block or two to stew on it, I had to check my aggression... so here we are.



This billboard + impressionable parents = a whole lotta pussy's

Please kids, remember, bring your sack to the game, regardless of what mommy or daddy tells you.

When in doubt, the hungry butts come out

If wearing tapered sweats to the grocery store is not a big enough statement to the world that you've given up, a nice wedgie outta really cement it. So hungry... must eat sweats...

That will do donkey... that will do

Desperate for blog content, I went a little crazy last night. Heading home from work I passed a field with a few horses, some cows, and 1 small donkey. I've seen this donkey many times on my drive home, but last night, I finally had to do it. I flipped a B at about 40 miles an hour, and pulled up on the gravel outside the pasture, sliding to a stop. Got out my car, and started yelling at the donkey in my best Eddie Murphy Shrek voice. The donkey was completely unimpressed... The horses looked up for a second, but nothing was about to break donkeys mouth from the delicious grass. After a few strange looks from passing cars, and for fear of getting shot by a farmer for harassing his donkey, I got in my car, depressed, and defeated.

I wont give up though... I can't give up. But let me say, gathering blog content aint no walk in the park.